Finding Solace
by katyscarlett76
Summary: RLNT. Set end of HBP. In the aftermath of Dumbledore’s death, Tonks attempts to repair both her battered self-esteem and her relationship with Remus.


Originally written for the metamorfic_moon The Beatles and The Bard Timeless Moon Ball, with the prompts:

"_It's been a hard day's night / I should be sleeping like a log / But when I get home to you / I find the things that you do / Will make me feel alright_" Hard Day's Night, The Beatles and _Forest_

**Summary:** In the aftermath of Dumbledore's death, Tonks attempts to repair both her battered self-esteem and her relationship with Remus.

**Author's Notes:** Possibly not my definitive version of events post-Hospital Wing, but my first attempt at the time period.

Many thanks to tegdoh for the super-fast beta!

**Finding Solace**

Only hours after the battle an exhausted Nymphadora Tonks entered the Ministry. As the only member of the Auror Squad involved in last night's battle she'd been called to give her version of events to the Minister personally. Her mood was subdued. She barely had time to change her clothes before being summoned back to the office, and the events of the night had not yet sunk in–neither the loss of Dumbledore nor her personally embarrassing display in the Hospital Wing. She cringed when she remembered the desperation in her voice, the anguish on Remus' face and the astonishment on the faces of the others. After airing their personal problems in front of everyone, including Harry, she would be lucky if Remus ever even looked at her again. She had destroyed any chance of them getting back together. But she couldn't think about that, she had a report to make and work to do.

She gave her version of events, leaving out those of the Hospital Wing, to Scrimgeour. He listened silently, regarding her carefully.

"And why did you not summon your colleagues?"

She'd know this would come up and had prepared her answer.

"There wasn't time, Sir. By the time I realised what was happening, the battle had started and I had no way of contacting the team without compromising the civilians. I knew that one of the children had been sent to get help. I had hoped that Professor Snape would summon the Aurors; unfortunately that was not the case. No one realised what side he was really on until afterwards."

"Yes, well, that's unfortunate. I have, however, been hearing good things about you, Auror Tonks."

"You have?" she asked puzzled at the change in the direction of the conversation.

"Yes, the testimonies from those involved in the battle have given glowing accounts of your technique. And prior to that I have received excellent comments from Hogsmeade villagers about your approach to the duties there. Even your colleagues, Aurors Dawlish and Proudfoot, have been impressed by your work ethic this year."

"Oh, really?"

She was rather shocked as she had received nothing but criticism from the other Aurors all year.

"You have been qualified for almost three years now, is that correct?"

"Yes Sir."

"Well perhaps it is time to assign you more responsibility."

"Thank you Sir. I won't let you down. I promise."

"Yes, yes. Anyway I have an assignment for you. Professor McGonagall is concerned with the security wards guarding the school. She has recast them but wishes for reinforcement, the situation being as it is, and has asked for you especially. You are to report to her office as soon as possible. And then Auror Tonks, I suggest you take a couple of days leave, rest up before commencing your new responsibilities back in the Ministry."

"Thank you Sir."

Tonks left the office feeling overwhelmed, the faith everyone had in her brightened her mood and she could feel a real smile cross her face for the first time in over a year. She was to be promoted.

Arriving at McGongall's Office she found she wasn't alone; both Remus and Mad-Eye Moody were waiting. As they sat down in the Headmistress's Office, Tonks couldn't help but feel that the image of Professor McGonagall in Professor Dumbledore's chair was not right. The Professor herself looked uncomfortable as she explained the wards that she wanted cast over every inch of the property and assigned them into teams.

"Alastor, if you will come with me and clear the castle itself. Remus, if you and Nymphadora take the grounds and, in particular, the forest."

Tonks narrowed her eyes at the partnering of her and Remus and almost missed McGonagall's slight smirk in her direction. _Why that meddling…_ The idea of McGonagall setting them up made her want to laugh out loud.

They crossed the grounds in silence and spoke only to confer on which spells to use and where to direct them. As they walked through the forest, a wistful look crossed Remus' face, as if he were lost in his thoughts. Tonks couldn't help but comment.

"You must have some great memories of this place? You, Sirius and James running riot through here?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember much of the Full Moons?"

"Not really."

The stilted conversation was unsettling to Tonks, as even before they were involved they had always been able to talk to each other. They had been friends once – had they lost that for good? And if they had, how would they ever be able to work together again? Her mood, which had lifted following the professions of faith in her and McGonagall's well-intentioned meddling, suddenly darkened again at the frostiness of her relationship with Remus. All of a sudden she just felt tired, tired of fighting him and tired of not feeling like enough. She stopped and rested on a nearby rock, rubbing her eyes with her hands. She drew deep breaths and attempted to stabilise her emotions.

"If you're tired Tonks, I can continue alone."

Suddenly angry at his words, she jumped up.

"No you will not! There's a reason McGonagall asked both of us! This tasks needs two wands! Yes I'm tired, I've had a long night, but so have you!"

Remus, infuriatingly, smiled at her.

"You think this really requires two? You don't think she was just trying to set us up then?"

Despite that being exactly what she did think, she couldn't make light of this, not anymore. She sighed and turned to him. "I can't do this Remus. I can't just joke about it. It's too much."

"Tonks, I…"

"No, let me finish Remus, I need to say this. I'm sorry, I know I embarrassed you last night, hell I embarrassed myself. I never meant to bring up our personal problems like that, especially in front of the kids. I was just so frustrated. And I am sorry."

She watched as Remus nodded but kept his gaze on the floor. The words, now they had started, just kept coming.

"I can't do this anymore, I've lost myself and I don't particularly like the girl I've become. I'm just like all those girls I used to sneer at, moping around after a man. Not that's all it is, I mean so much has happened this year. So many things have made me question myself; you're just part of that. … Well, a big part of that. And that's enough. I won't torture myself with this anymore. I did well last night, I held my own. I'm up for promotion at work, so I have to get over this. I won't let this beat me. So I'm letting go. I can't keep fighting you on this. I'll always love you, I know you don't believe that but I will. But I know now that I have to move on, for my own sanity."

She took a deep breath and surveyed her surroundings.

"So let's just get this done. Then we can both go on with our lives"

She walked on determinedly wand working fast to reinforce the wards when she noticed that he had not followed. She turned and shouted to him.

"Come on Lupin!"

The look on his face was one of mixed anguish and resignation. Any hope she might have had that he would fight for her faded in that moment. They passed the rest of the assignment in silence, and after reporting back to McGonagall they walked down to the Hog's Head with Moody for lunch. An uncomfortable lunch was spent not meeting each other's eyes and each offering only short replies to Moody's conversation. Tonks then took the opportunity for a short nap before the evening's Order meeting.

After the meeting, in which she and Remus had sat in opposite ends of the room, still avoiding each other's eyes, Tonks rose to leave. She was following Arthur out the room when she heard Remus from behind her.

"Tonks, can we talk?"

She turned to face him.

"There's not much left to say is there Remus? You're not going to change your mind and I'm not going to change mine. There's no point rehashing the same old arguments and I'm too tired, anyway. Good night Remus."

The look on his face tugged at her heartstrings and it took all her inner strength to walk away.

Tonks arrived back at her flat, the first time she'd really been home since Christmas. The dark, cold flat did nothing to ease her heavy heart. Seeing Remus at the Order meeting had been hard. Saying what she had to say had been harder, especially when all she really wanted to do was cling to him, bury her head against his chest and wish the world away. But with determination and pride she got through it, and now she was home, alone with her thoughts. She could cry here and no one would see or hear, no-one would offer her false comfort or tell her they understood.

She walked into the bathroom, turned on the shower and regarded herself in the mirror. What she'd said to Remus was true, she didn't know herself anymore,–this brown haired, pale faced, dull-eyed girl wasn't Nymphadora Tonks. She didn't know who she was. She stepped into the shower and let the water wash away the tension from her body and cried—for Dumbledore, for Remus, for herself. She could feel the pain, worry and frustration of the last year washing away with the soapsuds. She stepped out of the shower and wrapped her body and hair in towels, walked into the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea.

As the tea cooled she dried and dressed herself and settled on her sofa. Running her hands through her limp hair she was astonished to find it turning black. She ran to the mirror in her bedroom and observed her reflection. Her hair was indeed black. Her morphing had always been governed by her emotions. When she was younger before she learnt control, her hair and eyes would change depending on her mood. The black hair represented her grief, both for Dumbledore and the letting go of her relationship with Remus. A small smile spread across her face at the change of colour, perhaps her powers were returning. She scrunched up her face and attempted to morph her hair, not pink, but maybe green? She opened her eyes to her reflection which still revealed jet black locks. Thinking that black was at least better than mousy brown, she returned to her now cold tea.

She was just thinking of turning in, when there was a knock at her door. She shot up into position with her wand trained on the door.

"Who is it?" she called, unprepared for the reply of, "Remus."

Her heart leapt, but she kept her head and asked him the security question. Now sure that it was him and with her heart battering her chest, she opened the door. Remus was leaning against the doorframe, looking as dishevelled as she'd ever seen him. He raised his tired eyes to hers and asked to come in.

They just stood looking at each other for minutes, and then she blinked, pulled herself together and asked him to come in. He walked over to the sofa and gingerly sat down, his hands clasped together in front of him. She remained standing, just watching him, unable to understand what exactly was going on, what was he doing there?

"What are you doing here Remus?" she asked with her characteristic bluntness.

"I…" he stared down at his hands, "I don't know. I just…. After the meeting I didn't know where to go. And I found myself here." He stumbled over the words in manner more like her than him.

She slunk down onto the sofa next to him and regarded him carefully. He seemed so worn down, even more so than the previous night, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. And with Dumbledore gone, perhaps it was. She longed to put her arms around him, to comfort him like she would have done before. But she restrained herself. He might be here in her flat, but nothing had changed between them, they were still over. She hardened her heart against him and turned to look at her slipper clad feet, her dark hair falling in front of her face.

After a few moments silence, she heard his voice say "You've morphed" and felt his hand grasp at the strands of hair covering her face.

"Not intentionally, it just changed. Same thing happened after Sirius….."

"I remember" he said softly his hand sliding down the strands. He let go and the strands fluttered back down in front of her face. They both sat there in silence not looking at each other. After a while Remus spoke.

"I was at Grimmauld Place earlier. I went with Alastor to clear out the Order's things and set new security wards. I kept remembering being there with Sirius…and with you. It seems like a lifetime ago."

"Where will you go now?"

"I don't know. I rented out my parents' place, so I can't go there. I could see if Aberforth has a room available at Hog's Head."

"You could stay here? For tonight at least?"

"I couldn't do that Tonks."

"Don't be silly, of course you can. The sofa's quite comfy. I've slept on it loads of times. I'll just get you some sheets."

She stood up and he looked up at her smiled and whispered, "Thank you."

Once he was settled on the sofa, she bid him goodnight and turned to leave the room hearing a soft "Goodnight Nymphadora" coming from the sofa. She, however, was unable settle in bed herself. She tossed and turned with her mind racing whenever she closed her eyes. She thought to get a glass of water, so she raised herself out of bed and walked back towards the living room where the sleeping Remus lay. Standing in the doorway watching him sleep she made up her mind. She just hoped he wouldn't turn her away. She enlarged the sofa to fit two and then slipped under the covers and fitted her body against his. The way they'd always slept before. She held her breath as he shifted in his sleep, not wanting to wake him. His arms came around her and she was pulled closer to his chest. The smell of him surrounded her and she leant her head against his chest, feeling the beating of his heart. Sighing, she wrapped her own arms around him, closed her eyes and fell into a more contented sleep than she had all year.

In the morning she rose to find the sofa back to normal size and a smell of bacon and eggs in the air. She sat up, rubbed her eyes and turned to find Remus in the kitchen, cooking breakfast.

"Good morning sleepyhead." He smiled at her as she walked over to the kitchen. "Breakfast's nearly ready."

She returned his smile and sat down at the table, feeling thoroughly confused. She'd half expected to wake up to an argument, not breakfast, and certainly not with Remus acting so happy. Considering the present state of their relationship she felt quite discombobulated. And not being one to keep her thoughts to herself she asked the question.

"What's going on Remus?"

"Breakfast Dora, I'm cooking and you're eating," he answered smirking.

"I know that." She rolled her eyes. "I mean between us. Yesterday was so…and now it's so… and I'm confused."

He sat down in the chair next to her and placed his hand over hers on the table whilst focusing on the teapot.

"Last night I had the best night's sleep I have had in a long time. I awoke to find you in my arms and it felt right."

He looked up into her eyes and smiled.

"I never thought I'd feel that peaceful again. Not after this year. Life with the Werewolves robbed me of so much of myself. I was becoming the thing I had been most afraid of. The thing my parents had worked so hard to stop me becoming. I've been so ashamed of myself, and I have never felt less worthy of your love. While I was away I thought of you constantly. I dreamt about you. I was so scared that the other Werewolves would learn about you, that something would happen to you because of me. Then the other night, fighting alongside you, watching you, I was so proud of you and I have never loved you more. I know that I've hurt you and I can't tell you how sorry I am. Can you forgive me Dora?"

Placing her hand over his, she bit her lip in an attempt to stop tears falling and answered.

"I do forgive you Remus, I'm just not sure how easy it will be to forget."

He tried to pull his hand away but she held on tight, holding his hand between both of hers.

"Doesn't mean I won't try. I love you Remus, you know that. You make me happy just by being here. I don't need anything more. I do know what I'm taking on with you, now more than ever, but I also know that I can face anything as long as I'm with you."

They both smiled as they leaned across the table and shared a soft kiss. When they pulled away, they sat grinning at each other for a few moments.

"Dora?"

"Yes?"

"Eat your breakfast."

She laughed and they both ate feeling more relaxed in each other's company. When they had finished eating they took their mugs of tea back to the sofa and snuggled up together, sips of tea being followed by occasional kisses. They hadn't spoken about the future, there would be time for that later. For now they were content just to be alive and be together.

7


End file.
